i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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