it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
