This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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