Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
third nipple confirmed
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
