i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.