He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
