He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
