The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
