Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
