I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize