My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
