1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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