Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.