you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
