happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Randomize
