I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I will pee on everything he values.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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