Apparently you make a good broom.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
