please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
