I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
