she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
