I just saw a hot homeless man
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
