wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
