i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
