Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
