wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I didn't notice because vodka
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
