Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
