Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
