she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
