My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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