My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
