He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize