i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
