It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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