i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
