Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
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I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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