its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
