I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
