So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
