i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
