Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
