im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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