Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
