I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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