I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
