when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
