so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
