my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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