So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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