I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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