Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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