the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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