using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
