i already hear my dad disowning me
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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