Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
